I can sleep now
by BeckyHere.xo
Summary: Hermione has hit rock bottom after the war. She is tired, alone and numb. With nothing left to live for, what will become of her? Warning: deals with death and suicide.


**Harry Potter doesn't belong to me, nor will it ever.**

I'm _so_ tired. I just want to sleep now.

Ever since the war, after seeing so many people I care about die, I haven't been able to get any rest.

My physical body does go to sleep, sure, but I wouldn't call it sleep. I don't wake up feeling refreshed and rested, something you should feel. I just feel tired.

My dreams haven't been the same since the war six months ago. They are now filled with the many faces of those who died. Perhaps it is the dreams that cause rest to never come. There is only one other dream I have apart from that one. Actually, it's a nightmare, a _memory_.

The setting is Malfoy Manor. There I am tortured brutally by the notorious Bellatrix LeStrange. The pain seems so real, it is only there that I feel anything. On the nights that I have that dream I always wake up screaming. It is because of this that I love silencing charms.

If you are wondering why on earth I need silencing charms it is because I have returned to Hogwarts to complete my seventh year.

I suppose that may be surprising that it is up and running after being destroyed at the final battle. It's amazing what magic can do. How quickly it can destroy something, and then how fast it can fix the things it destroyed.

I think another reason of why rest is never allowed is guilt. I feel guilt that I didn't save the lives of friends. I feel guilt that they died. If only we had given them more training, perhaps they would still be here. I feel guilt because I lived. Why did I live and not them?

I'm so tired. I don't even eat properly. I'm basically a corpse.

I feel so numb. I don't even feel emotion. I can't bring myself to care anymore, about anything. I even turned down the head girl position offered to me. That came as a shock to everyone.

The only reason I came back to Hogwarts is because I have nothing else left.

It turned out that although hiding my parents in Australia was a good idea, Voldermort somehow discovered that my parents were there. Just after the war I was told that a deatheater murdered them.

They didn't even know why they died, they had no idea they had a daughter.

I don't bother talking anymore. I never raise my hand in class, I never respond to a question. I don't even bother to write replies to letters.

I can't feel anymore. In transfiguration I transfigured an object into a knife, I had held it in my hand but couldn't feel it, not really. I hadn't even felt it cutting my skin; I just looked at the sharp object until Professor McGonagall had shouted my name in shock. It was only then I noticed the red blood dripping down my pale skin. I couldn't feel the wound, there was no pain.

It is because of all this that I now stand at the top of the astronomy tower.

It is a Saturday, the sky is blue, the world to me seems happy today.

I see students roaming the grounds. None have yet noticed me. I don't want them to notice me either.

I want to die; this is the way I've decided to do it. I'm not doing it to be dramatic, nor to seek attention.

It is because slitting my wrists would cause a mess, not to mention if I was found I would be healed and then watched to check I didn't attempt to leave this world again. The other ways would take too long.

It wasn't like this way could hurt anyway. After all, you cannot hurt that which does not live.

Looking down I see the happy faces of youngsters, people wandering peacefully with friends, knowing there is nothing to fear now.

I step closer to the edge of the tower. I'm not scared. I'm happy. I want this. For the first time in months I feel happy.

Stepping off the edge I begin to fall through the air. For the first time in months a smile graces my lips. The fall is quite quick.

I do not know if the students have noticed me falling, because all I can hear is the air rushing past my ears.

I can see the ground, the end will be soon. I think of the note in my hand, the words written on it running through my mind.

It is not a letter about why I killed myself in which I blame everyone else for my death; it is just a simple note.

The note holds my final thought. I close my eyes, the smile still on my lips, and I feel at peace. I hit the ground and feel no pain.

'_I can sleep now.'_

**Tell me what you think. Review please.**


End file.
